I'm a Blue Mage Who Played Goblins

At the weekly local, I didn't have a deck on me. The reasons for that are complicated and involve a series of otherwise poor choices, but the eventual outcome was that I was at the local with a mind and body ready to sling cardboard without cardboard to sling.

Fortunately, the Phil class in Premodern is extremely deep. Think of any other Premodern players' name; you'd be hard-pressed to find a team with a bench as deep as Phils. There are a lot of strong Phils without any filler...er...Philler? You get it.

Anyway, I approached a fellow Phil and SWB, an honorary Phil.

"Yo, what up?" I said.

"What's good?" Phil said knowingly as SWB gave a simultaneous knowing nod.

"What do I do?" I inquired in pleadful earnest.

Phil stretched out his arms, holding a deck box in each hand. SWB's knowing nod slowed but somehow became more knowing.

I reached for a deck box. I don't know why I reached for the one I did. My heart wasn't racing. My heart wasn't calm. My heart stopped.

After being resuscitated, I stood up as the shop announced that the pairings for round one had been posted. What was I holding?

"Mulligan for Lackey." Phil said with the confidence of 1,000 Phils. SWB's knowing nod felt more significant as he raised and lowered his eyebrows with a glinting smirk of premonition.

I sat down for round one and sifted through the decklist. I don't remember anything really other than not knowing what I would do without {Portent}. Here's the decklist I was handed as I remember it, which could be wrong and likely very much is because there is no way I remembered it correctly.

{Goblin Lackey} by Jerry Tiritilli

Inaccurately Remembered [r][b] Goblins That Phil Handed Phil

DECKLIST_START

Creatures (32)

4 {Goblin Lackey} [r]
4 {Mogg Fanatic} [r]
4 {Goblin Piledriver} [1][r]
4 {Goblin Matron} [2][r]
3 {Gempalm Incinerator} [2][r]
1 {Goblin Sharpshooter} [2][r]
4 {Goblin Warchief} [1][r][r]
4 {Goblin Ringleader} [3][r]
4 {Siege-Gang Commander} [3][r][r]

Instants (2)

2 {Terminate}

Lands

4 {Bloodstained Mire}
4 {Sulfurous Springs}
2 {Rishadan Port}
1 {Volrath's Stronghold}
1 {Swamp}
1 {Shadowblood Ridge}
X {Mountain}

Sideboard

2 {Goblin Tinkerer} [1][r]
3 {Cabal Therapy} [b]
3 {Perish} [2][b]
3 {Pyroblast} [r]
4 {Dralnu's Crusade} [1][r][b]

DECKLIST_END

Round One vs. [b][w] Midrange | W

Game One

On the draw, I kept my opening seven without a {Goblin Lackey}. Phils respect Phils but don't often heed sageful advice. It's a stubbornness we harbor.

My opponent cast {Dark Ritual} into {Hypnotic Specter}. It was sweet AF. I cast a {Mogg Fanatic}. Assuming I win the one-in-six shot to not discard the {Gempalm Incinerator} I had in hand, I could stack some damage on the {Hypnotic Specter} to make it a HypNOT IT Spectator instead, amirite?

I had another heart attack.

After being resuscitated, I forgot what I discarded, but it wasn't {Gempalm Incinerator}. I learned from that interaction that in games where {Gempalm Incinerator} cycles and kills a creature, you can't lose.

{Gempalm Incinerator} by Luca Zontini

Not knowing how to board, I just swapped {Mogg Fanatics} for {Dralnu's Crusade}s and a {Terminate} and {Goblin Sharpshooter} for a pair of {Cabal Therapy}. My thought was that {Cabal Therapy} names {Engineered Plague} in the blind and helps me navigate sequencing with the information asymmetry.

Game Two

My opponent opened {Dark Ritual} into {Engineered Plague}. It was in that moment I learned that boarding in {Cabal Therapy} was a mistake. I learned this doubly so when I really wanted {Terminate} later to remove an {Exalted Angel}.

I cast a turn-two {Goblin Piledriver} 'cause that homie got a 2-butt. I learned the value of 2-butts in Goblins.

{Goblin Piledriver} by Matt Cavotta

After my opponent missed their third land drop, I deployed {Dralnu's Crusade}. My opponent was impressed by the ingenuity of a Goblins deck built by a fellow Phil. Of course, everything was going according to plan until a morph entered the battlefield.

I cast {Goblin Matron}. I learned it's the best card in the deck. At no point was I ever really interested in {Goblin Warchief}. I don't think that card is good and think it should be replaced with higher-impact goblins or more toys in {Goblin Matron}'s toolbox. I tutored for {Gempalm Incinerator}.

Fast forward: we danced on the battlefield until I was at three life to their 32. {Gempalm Incinerator} stacked enough damage onto {Exalted Angel} for {Goblin Sharpshooter} to hit the killshot.

{Phyrexian Arena} by Pete Venters

I crossed my fingers through the {Phyrexian Arena} draw and natural draw step to fade a second {Engineered Plague} and {Wrath of God}.

Round one victory. I learned that decks without {Portent} have to rely on God more to fade opposing draw steps rather than control them. I'm not religious, so it was a weird experience. Goblin Phil, baby!

Round Two vs. Mono [b] Dragon Reanimator | L

On the draw, I kept a double {Goblin Lackey} hand. "Hell yeah, fuck yeah," I heard every Phil I know who plays Magic say spiritually in unison.

My opponent casts {Putrid Imp}. Well, that's bad for me. I {Mogg Fanatic} it down, but it dumps {Bladewing the Risen} into the graveyard.

Their turn two was {Animate Dead}. A 3/4 flyer onboard ain't no thang, baby. Double {Goblin Lackey}, go.

They hold back. I {Goblin Matron} for {Gempalm Incinerator}, convert it on the following turn, badabing-badaboom, Goblin Phil, baby!

{Rorix Bladewing} by Darrell Riche

Game two, my opponent casts {Putrid Imp} to dump {Bladewing the Risen} and {Rorix Bladewing} before my {Mogg Fanatic} killed it. {Exhume} on turn two was all she wrote.

I learned the experience of Goblins having no game against combo and being at the mercy of whether enough generic hate in the board was a choice made or not. It was then that I understood the plight of non-[u] gamers and why they despise combo so much.

Game three, I open {Cabal Therapy} and {Mogg Fanatic}. I bling hit {Putrid Imp} and see {Reanimate}, {Exhume}, {Crosis, the Purger}, two {Swamp}, and a {Zombie Infestation}.

{Swamp}, pass. I cast {Mogg Fanatic} and flashback {Cabal Therapy} for {Zombie Infestation}. I saw the drawn {Buried Alive} that was going to kill me.

Round Three vs. [u][w] Landstill | L

I learned that the clunkiness of Goblins can be a pinch point that prevents it from getting on the front foot. {Goblin Lackey} is obviously the most powerful card, as it turns an otherwise midrange deck into a {Show and Tell} variant.

{Ruby Medallion} by Sue Ellen Brown

When {Goblin Lackey} was dealt with via {Swords to Plowshares}, I was desperate for {Ancient Tomb}, {Ruby Medallion} or other fast mana to accelerate the {Goblin Matron}, which would have been excellent on turn two and anemic on turn three into open mana and known information of where to point a {Counterspell}.

Without any experience with the deck or the matchup from the Goblins side, it felt like the goal is trying to navigate to a narrow window to resolve {Goblin Ringleaders}. The games defaulted into lining up hands and counting counters and removal to threats.

In current Magic, the compelling challenge of solving this in deckbuilding or in-game is entirely stripped from both players by {Cavern of Souls}, which removes all that tension. I'm thankful it's not a card in Premodern.

During the match, I never wanted to draw or tutor for {Goblin Warchief}. It could never attack into a {Mishra's Factory}, cost more than all the two-mana countermagic, and needed to uptap to gain any mana advantage which games never seemed to be about.

{Goblin Burrows} by David Martin

ForceofPhiloblins

Given that I have a large sample size of three games with Goblins, I'm practically an expert. I thought the most powerful aspects of the deck were the spots where it could leverage the flexibility of {Goblin Matron} and execute tricky plays in combat rather than bumrushing like an aggro deck. Here's the build I'd try next:

DECKLIST_START

Creatures (34)

4 {Goblin Lackey} [r]
4 {Mogg Fanatic} [r]
3 {Skirk Prospector} [r]
4 {Goblin Piledriver} [1][r]
4 {Goblin Matron} [2][r]
4 {Gempalm Incinerator} [2][r]
3 {Goblin Sharpshooter} [2][r]
4 {Goblin Ringleader} [3][r]
4 {Siege-Gang Commander} [3][r][r]

Artifacts (4)

4 {Ruby Medallion} [2]

Lands (22)

4 {Ancient Tomb}
4 {Goblin Burrows}
14 {Mountain}

Sideboard

4 {Goblin King} [1][r][r]
4 {Goblin Tinkerer} [1][r]
4 {Goblin War Strike} [r]
2 {Anarchy} [2][r][r]
1 {Impending Disaster} [1][r]

DECKLIST_END

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Featured image: {Goblin Sharpshooter} by Greg Staples