I'm a Blue Mage Who Played Goblins

At the weekly local, I didn't have a deck on me. The reasons for that are complicated and involve a series of otherwise poor choices, but the eventual outcome was that I was at the local with a mind and body ready to sling cardboard without cardboard to sling.

Fortunately, the Phil class in Premodern is extremely deep. Think of any other Premodern players' name; you'd be hard-pressed to find a team with a bench as deep as Phils. There are a lot of strong Phils without any filler...er...Philler? You get it.

Anyway, I approached a fellow Phil and SWB, an honorary Phil.

"Yo, what up?" I said.
"What's good?" Phil said knowingly as SWB gave a simultaneous knowing nod.
"What do I do?" I inquired in pleadful earnest.

Phil stretched out his arms, holding a deck box in each hand. SWB's knowing nod slowed but somehow became more knowing.

I reached for a deck box. I don't know why I reached for the one I did. My heart wasn't racing. My heart wasn't calm. My heart stopped.

After being resuscitated, I stood up as the shop announced that the pairings for round one had been posted. What was I holding?

"Mulligan for Lackey." Phil said with the confidence of 1,000 Phils. SWB's knowing nod felt more significant as he raised and lowered his eyebrows with a glinting smirk of premonition.

I sat down for round one and sifted through the decklist. I don't remember anything really other than not knowing what I would do without Portent. Here's the decklist I was handed as I remember it, which could be wrong and likely very much is because there is no way I remembered it correctly.

Goblin Lackey by Jerry Tiritilli

Inaccurately Remembered Goblins That Phil Handed Phil

Creatures (32)

4 Goblin Lackey
4 Mogg Fanatic
4 Goblin Piledriver
4 Goblin Matron
3 Gempalm Incinerator
1 Goblin Sharpshooter
4 Goblin Warchief
4 Goblin Ringleader
4 Siege-Gang Commander

Instants (2)

2 Terminate

Lands

4 Bloodstained Mire
4 Sulfurous Springs
2 Rishadan Port
1 Volrath's Stronghold
1 Swamp
1 Shadowblood Ridge
X Mountain

Sideboard

2 Goblin Tinkerer
3 Cabal Therapy
3 Perish
3 Pyroblast
4 Dralnu's Crusade

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Round One vs. Midrange | W

Game One

On the draw, I kept my opening seven without a Goblin Lackey. Phils respect Phils but don't often heed sageful advice. It's a stubbornness we harbor.

My opponent cast Dark Ritual into Hypnotic Specter. It was sweet AF. I cast a Mogg Fanatic. Assuming I win the one-in-six shot to not discard the Gempalm Incinerator I had in hand, I could stack some damage on the Hypnotic Specter to make it a HypNOT IT Spectator instead, amirite?

I had another heart attack.

After being resuscitated, I forgot what I discarded, but it wasn't Gempalm Incinerator. I learned from that interaction that in games where Gempalm Incinerator cycles and kills a creature, you can't lose.

Gempalm Incinerator by Luca Zontini

Not knowing how to board, I just swapped Mogg Fanatics for Dralnu's Crusades and a Terminate and Goblin Sharpshooter for a pair of Cabal Therapy. My thought was that Cabal Therapy names Engineered Plague in the blind and helps me navigate sequencing with the information asymmetry.

Game Two

My opponent opened Dark Ritual into Engineered Plague. It was in that moment I learned that boarding in Cabal Therapy was a mistake. I learned this doubly so when I really wanted Terminate later to remove an Exalted Angel.

I cast a turn-two Goblin Piledriver 'cause that homie got a 2-butt. I learned the value of 2-butts in Goblins.

Goblin Piledriver by Matt Cavotta

After my opponent missed their third land drop, I deployed Dralnu's Crusade. My opponent was impressed by the ingenuity of a Goblins deck built by a fellow Phil. Of course, everything was going according to plan until a morph entered the battlefield.

I cast Goblin Matron. I learned it's the best card in the deck. At no point was I ever really interested in Goblin Warchief. I don't think that card is good and think it should be replaced with higher-impact goblins or more toys in Goblin Matron's toolbox. I tutored for Gempalm Incinerator.

Fast forward: we danced on the battlefield until I was at three life to their 32. Gempalm Incinerator stacked enough damage onto Exalted Angel for Goblin Sharpshooter to hit the killshot.

Phyrexian Arena by Pete Venters

I crossed my fingers through the Phyrexian Arena draw and natural draw step to fade a second Engineered Plague and Wrath of God.

Round one victory. I learned that decks without Portent have to rely on God more to fade opposing draw steps rather than control them. I'm not religious, so it was a weird experience. Goblin Phil, baby!

Round Two vs. Mono Dragon Reanimator | L

On the draw, I kept a double Goblin Lackey hand. "Hell yeah, fuck yeah," I heard every Phil I know who plays Magic say spiritually in unison.

My opponent casts Putrid Imp. Well, that's bad for me. I Mogg Fanatic it down, but it dumps Bladewing the Risen into the graveyard.

Their turn two was Animate Dead. A 3/4 flyer onboard ain't no thang, baby. Double Goblin Lackey, go.

They hold back. I Goblin Matron for Gempalm Incinerator, convert it on the following turn, badabing-badaboom, Goblin Phil, baby!

Rorix Bladewing by Darrell Riche

Game two, my opponent casts Putrid Imp to dump Bladewing the Risen and Rorix Bladewing before my Mogg Fanatic killed it. Exhume on turn two was all she wrote.

I learned the experience of Goblins having no game against combo and being at the mercy of whether enough generic hate in the board was a choice made or not. It was then that I understood the plight of non- gamers and why they despise combo so much.

Game three, I open Cabal Therapy and Mogg Fanatic. I bling hit Putrid Imp and see Reanimate, Exhume, Crosis, the Purger, two Swamp, and a Zombie Infestation.

Swamp, pass. I cast Mogg Fanatic and flashback Cabal Therapy for Zombie Infestation. I saw the drawn Buried Alive that was going to kill me.

Round Three vs. Landstill | L

I learned that the clunkiness of Goblins can be a pinch point that prevents it from getting on the front foot. Goblin Lackey is obviously the most powerful card, as it turns an otherwise midrange deck into a Show and Tell variant.

Ruby Medallion by Sue Ellen Brown

When Goblin Lackey was dealt with via Swords to Plowshares, I was desperate for Ancient Tomb, Ruby Medallion or other fast mana to accelerate the Goblin Matron, which would have been excellent on turn two and anemic on turn three into open mana and known information of where to point a Counterspell.

Without any experience with the deck or the matchup from the Goblins side, it felt like the goal is trying to navigate to a narrow window to resolve Goblin Ringleaders. The games defaulted into lining up hands and counting counters and removal to threats.

In current Magic, the compelling challenge of solving this in deckbuilding or in-game is entirely stripped from both players by Cavern of Souls, which removes all that tension. I'm thankful it's not a card in Premodern.

During the match, I never wanted to draw or tutor for Goblin Warchief. It could never attack into a Mishra's Factory, cost more than all the two-mana countermagic, and needed to uptap to gain any mana advantage which games never seemed to be about.

Goblin Burrows by David Martin

ForceofPhiloblins

Given that I have a large sample size of three games with Goblins, I'm practically an expert. I thought the most powerful aspects of the deck were the spots where it could leverage the flexibility of Goblin Matron and execute tricky plays in combat rather than bumrushing like an aggro deck. Here's the build I'd try next:

Creatures (34)

4 Goblin Lackey
4 Mogg Fanatic
3 Skirk Prospector
4 Goblin Piledriver
4 Goblin Matron
4 Gempalm Incinerator
3 Goblin Sharpshooter
4 Goblin Ringleader
4 Siege-Gang Commander